Feb
01
2013

LET’S BE REAL, FOLKS…

i think it’s important every once in awhile for bloggers to include their personal voice in their posts.  i think it allows readers to get to know who is behind the scenes and realize it’s a human, not a robot.  i have a voice and i think many can relate to what i’m going to write about.  i’ve been sitting on this one for awhile.  kind of scared to publish this, but i promised myself that in 2013, i’d do things that frighten me.  so be forewarned, this post isn’t pretty and about weddings, though it most definitely has to do with love.

everyday i get to blog about love, weddings, engagements, and anniversaries and showcase the hard work of wedding vendors, specifically photographers and videographers.  every post includes couples who have made it work and taken that leap together to share a next chapter.  i get to stare at all this love and gorgeous work every day.  but for me, the past few months have been really hard, even had to take a solid break from blogging for a good three months.  i’m at a point in my life (i’m sure many can relate) where the generation or two above us are leaving this earth. it’s hard to grasp that reality.  on top of that, i went through a break up.

let’s be real, folks…running a wedding blog and going through a break-up.  what the heck are you suppose to do?

it was coming.  it was bubbling for a few months or so.  we were both on the river of denial. we are both determined/stubborn people who had an illusion that it could work if we just kept trying.  don’t get me wrong, kids.  we were AMAZING when together.  no one could understand our Dr. Seuss weirdness, even til the end.  that first year of us- you really couldn’t bring us down from whatever ridiculous cloud we were on.  we somehow made that semi-long distance work and it was bloody brilliant (i will always be thankful for that).  but reality set in.  the reminder that we are grown ups and have these values and responsibilities to ourselves slapped us in our faces.  both our careers were starting to interfere with the relationship, unreasonable pressure from the outside, and certain self values that we couldn’t let go.  we finally hit that moment.

“You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.

let’s be real, folks…nothing ever prepares you for a break up.  good or bad.  mutual or one-sided.  it just knocks the wind of you.  even if it was coming.  it’s just mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting.  no matter how many times you go through one.  it was a really hard decision to make.  a bloody hard decision to make.  tears were shed on both ends (he’ll probably say it was cause he hadn’t dusted his apartment).  but it really just wasn’t working and our future was being blurred.  it was making us both so stressed and so unhappy with ourselves and each other.  and when it comes to your health and being, it’s ok to be selfish and look out for yourself.  we made an adult decision and parted ways.

it has NOT been easy.  dealing with family deaths and an ailing grandma and this.  when you have fully vested your heart in something and it goes away,  that emptiness is rather indescribable.  but here’s the best part.  i am surrounded by love.  my sister flew me up two weeks after the break up.  her support and her words pulled me through undoubtedly.   my dad tried his best to cheer me up in his dad ways.  additionally, i have  and am blessed with quite possibly the best friends all around the world. ever.  from living 5 minutes away to blogger friends to wedding industry friends to all the way in hong kong, they came out of the woodwork to give me hugs and words on a daily basis (including a spa certificate for a ridiculous amount of money i might add).  i am ever so thankful for that.

so what was the point of this post?  i swear it’s not all about me.  i’m hoping to shed some light on why i haven’t been as enthusiastic about my blog lately, but also, share something readers can relate to.  (i know not all of you reading this are engaged or married).   i do not wish any of you to go through break ups.  count yourself so lucky if you have THE one and are making it work.  but realize this, that if it doesn’t feel right and you’re losing grasp of yourself and the two of you, do yourselves a favor and don’t drag it out.  it’s going to suck either way.  you have to let. it. go.  your happiness is important, so very important.  sometimes it’s just not meant to work.  i’m still recovering.  there is no recipe for break-up recovery.  i can guarantee that you’ll learn a lot about yourself and find yourself again.  i’m not completely there yet.  i still have my moments where i’m so sad and disappointed we didn’t work out cause i really believed we were it.  but  i am making sure to surround myself with those who make my heart full and fill that empty space.  i even flew myself to NYC and i’m so very glad i did that since i ate my way through that city and had a glorious time even though i brought with me a cold front. i am making sure to do things for myself again including singing lessons (Barbra Streisand, watch out).    i’m relearning a lot about myself and i’m thankful to him and to our relationship for that.  relationships teach you that- what you liked, what you didn’t like, what to watch out for with the next one, what you need to improve on, etc.  they teach you to HEART LIKE A CRAB.

“Did you know when a crab loses its leg (say, in a freak fishing accident) and it is thrown back in the ocean, it grows a new, stronger, more agile leg? Mr. Crab now kicks ass on the sea bed, shuffling around like Rocky of the crustaceans. Well, maybe the heart is just like the crab. Once in a while, a piece of heart gets damaged or broken, but after a little time and patience a new piece grows in its place. This new piece of heart, like the new crab leg, is stronger, more resistant and basically kicks butt. The heart becomes whole again.”

so what have i learned so far?

1.  like the article said, you can let yourself wallow in self pity OR you can be thankful that you had that experience and know that no one can take that love you shared with each other away.

2.  this time for myself has been more than valuable.  i’m slowly picking up the pieces and in time, i know i will be opening my heart again, but for now, it’s for myself, my friends, and more than ever right now, my family.

3.  yes, real love takes work.  talking to married and divorced friends, marriage is no walk in the park.  but at the same time, real love never fails and you shouldn’t have to convince someone to love you.  and if that weird feeling at the back of your mind never goes away and you don’t feel at ease, trust that instinct and it’s not meant to be.  “Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.”

 4.  i am braver and stronger that i thought.  c’mon, i run a wedding blog AND still run it despite going through a  break up AND having a full-time day job (only missing one day to take time for myself right after the break up) AND being strong for my parents while they lose loved ones.

5.  i am blessed by an amazing family who stands by me through and through, no matter what kind of crazy arguments and fights we have with each other.  i am also so very fortunate to have friends who truly have big hearts and have been there for me without realizing it.

ok, so this was really long.  i hope i haven’t scared off readers.  i felt it was necessary to be truthful about me.  weird to blog about love when you feel that you have failed with your own.  have patience with me while i go through this recovery stage.  i thank you ahead of time.  i thank those of you who come here on a daily basis.  this blog is STILL my happy place despite what i’m going through.  this is probably my one and only debbie downer post for the blog.  for those of you who are in a funk with your relationship or going through a break-up, i hope this has helped a tiny bit.  you will get through it.  surround yourself with family and friends. it’s ok to cry it out.  it’s ok to be angry.  it’s ok to be disappointed.  watch all seasons of sons of anarchy.  watch all seasons of friday night lights.  listen to sappy music. listen to really angry music.  listen to super happy music.  treat yo’self.  have dance parties and throw confetti.  trust me.

for those who have gone through a rough spot in their relationship or a break up, share some advice.  i would love to hear/read your two cents.

thanks for listening and letting me blargh out my emotions.

p.s. i highly encourage you to read THIS and THIS.

26 COMMENTS

    Heidi R. says:

    (((hugs))) <3

    aron says:

    I dig you big time.

    Karen Obrist says:

    You are a strong, incredible and talented lady- and it was so refreshing to read something REAL. I commend you for picking yourself up and it will get better.. with time. High fives to you, Lydia! :)

    karla says:

    YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! I love this, you are a very talented writer… Thanks for sharing and putting yourself out there. Time will heal all. And A virtual hug to you. <3

    I love your heart.

    oh lydia! i wish i could hug you right now. you are very honorable for putting this out there and i’m so happy i got to read it. your honesty is so inspiring. chin up, cutie, things will get better <3

    Wendy says:

    Lydia!! I miss you! You are right…you come out stronger and smarter.

    xo

    I love you and your crab heart and your honesty and that we can have impromptu dates together (another one soon, yes!?) and you just being you. I don’t have any good advice, but I’m here if you need me. xxxxxxx

    Naomi says:

    I am so in awe of your honesty. Do you remember when I met you at the Utterly Engaged party in LB? I said, “Hi Lydia.” You politely responded, “Hello!” I then said “Lydia it’s Naomi.” You then screamed! The way you responded when you figured out it was the woman you talk to on Twitter was the highlight of my very-scared- of-being-around-so-many-people -night! From that moment I was smitten!! Such a genuine and bright soul you, were exactly what I hoped you would be. Tonight I adore you even more. It takes a lot to be transparent in an age when all we say and do is judged. You are braver than I ever was at your age and I’m glad you shared this with us. I am sure you’ve heard so many words of wisdom the only thing I can add to it is…do not try to escape from what you feel. Cry, eat, scream, skip a shower {just don’t go outside if you do}, and let whatever you feel surface. It will take longer to manage if you suppress what you feel. We live and we love…you will continue to do both…only wiser. It takes a lot of maturity to walk away but what you are truly walking towards is another chapter of happiness …eventually. XOXO

    Wedding Sparrow says:

    Hi Lydia
    As a blogger myself I often read some other blogs with their narcissistic pictures and me me me attitude and shake my head. But this post is something entirely different. You are personable, genuine, empathetic and articulate. And despite your audience being mainly engaged or brides, it’s highly likely we’ve all been through a tough break up at one point anyway.
    I enjoy reading your blog and its refreshing to read something from the heart like this. Hopefully it was beneficial to you to get out out there :)
    Hope your new and improved crab leg carries you onwards and onto even greater things ;)

      it was super beneficial and from what i’ve been hearing, beneficial to others too! always nice to know others are in the same boat as you can can relate. thank you for taking the time to read it! and yay for my new crab legs.

    Lena says:

    Damn, I typed up this whole big heart-spilling comment and lost that sucker. But the gist was that I have been there, if not quite then the proverbial, this year, and I didn’t have half the courage and grace. I never took time even though I wanted it; I was afraid it would be so obvious that something was wrong, but occasionally all those happy people made me want to stick a fork in my hand.

    In the end, I don’t know if soldiering on was the right thing, but I do know that reaching out to the people I was closest to–and lots I wasn’t who ended up having amazing insight–got me through it, or at least past the worst of it into something that feels more like me. And it certainly seems like despite everything, you and your crab heart are finding your way there.

      lena, you know i appreciate you and your comments always. thanks for taking the time to write one (twice). there’s always a way and i know it’s just a matter of time. thank you, love and hugs!

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  2. Ann says:

    Lydia, I totally feel for you. I love that you shared this, I love it when people are real. Break-ups are never easy, and are rarely ever clean, and I know it will take awhile to keep moving forward but I know we all can’t wait to see where you go next. xo.

    @loveinthed says:

    Thank you for sharing this, Lydia. Your ability to have such perspective on your situation and find beautiful lessons in these hard life changes is really admirable. Thank you thank you! We can all learn from each other in hard times. It’s been a long time since my last break-up so it’s hard to remember all the lessons — but I think a big one is to spend time journaling or expressing in some other way the things that you are learning about yourself as you reflect on the relationship. Also, I picked up a new hobby (knitting) and I think I got a haircut too in the month after the break-up, just to change things up a little ;-)

    Love the crab metaphor, by the way. So awesome :)

    Brenda says:

    Love the honest reflection of this post. *hugs* So sorry to hear of this, and of course it will take a while but I hope the recovery process goes well. :) As for grandma, not to worry, she’s considerably ok and has plenty looking out for her, and she’s a strong woman who’s lived a long and hopefully fulfilling life. If you ever need to talk I’m here as well – perhaps we can facetime/skype with Ah Ma on CNY. <3

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